I'm not here anymore.
What day is it?
Is it too late for New Year's resolutions? I'll make them anyway. It has taken me sometime and a few unfortunate incidences to help me fathom my current situation. Things are not well. I'm not talking about my health or my academic performance or the stuff that I constantly ramble about here. It's got to do with me being myself, from just the act of merely existing to leading a complex but ritualized lifestyle.
Who am I?
Ask me to fill in a form with my information and I would write it with little hesitation or thought as it has almost become an automated response.
Name. Date of Birth. Sex. Identification Number. Address. Qualifications. Etc. Etc. But can my whole life and identity be simply condensed into one and a half pages of point-form notation? Am I just another entry into some data system with little definition from the other entries? Who am I? What does my life amount to in this world? Am I living my life the way I should? I've always imagined my life to be very different from who I am now. I see all these people around me, my friends, family who have their own identities, their personalities, what makes them...THEM. Their Selling Point. It seems as though I've lost mine or it's gotten misplaced or it's just that the time is up for me to change.
What am I doing?
Back to the resolutions. Sure, there are the usual resolutions that I've set out for myself in the coming year. The usual being, procrastinate less, spend wisely, shop less but shop better. Things like that which are probably in most people's books already. But I've thought it through and I'm declaring this year:
THE YEAR OF GETTING TO KNOW ME.
To deal with this identity crisis, I need to re-discover myself. I've denied certain aspects of myself all this while and convinced my own mind with fabrications of the real me that it seems I've lost my essence. As I've journeyed through life, it's as though I picked up so much on the way from the people around me, the environment, popular culture, the media, that I now view myself as more of a collection of bits and pieces of other people's ideas and thoughts. I'm like a completed puzzle, but the pieces are from different puzzles that have been altered to fit. But there is no discernible picture.
Before the year is up, I intend to encounter new experiences, go to new places, eat things I've never tried, buy things I wouldn't ordinarily buy, do things I'm not used to. I don't want to adopt a life that I think suits me. I just want to be me. Whoever that is. And that my friends, is my new year's resolution. Getting to know me. And I hope you're on board with it.
See you when I'm here.