Or am I?

The dust has settled once again in the aftermath of Studio interim and my technology review. The past week saw my life in a flustered chaotic lifestyle swinging from the highs of contentment from just reading a novel to the utterly bitter moments of what my friend calls 'zombie-ing out', the act of emotional disassociation from oneself to wholly concentrate on the academic task at hand in order to make datelines.

You may be wondering why am I reading a novel in the midst of all this calamity. But it's just one of the many little things I do to keep myself seemingly normal. But also, it could be viewed by many as just another way of me procrastinating said academic task at hand. God I hate it when my mom is right. She's been calling me out on that for quite a while. But I seem to have a talent in self-denial.

I'm not trying to alarm anybody here. I'm surviving, academically. I'm consistent in my diet. The only thing that bothers me is when my emotional levels take a hit especially after watching some sappy movie or completing a book which tugs at your heart strings, both of which I happen to do on the same day which would probably explain Sunday's wallowing in self-misery.

But seriously. I'm alright. Not great, but alright. My feedback from the interim may have been quite confusing, but I think i'll be able to straighten myself out and start afresh. My technology review may have been a bit of a disaster, but then again, whose wasn't. Everyone else in the unit seems to have produced a somewhat similar amount of work. But on the bright side I got a decent grade for my part in the primer work I did last semester with the essay I wrote regarding the act of running down Oxford Street in London (I'm thinking of posting this essay here).

I guess I just wanted to assert some kind of confidence back into being through this post and telling myself that I'm on the right path and that I'm fine. But at the same time, this constant attempt at self re-assurance is beginning to make me wonder 'Am I really?'

Goodnight, Travel Well.

Please note that my 012 mobile number will no longer be active. Please refrain from calling. Thank all, and see you in a bit.

T.I.R.E.D.

Tuesday night: 5 hours of sleep

Wednesday night: 3 hours of sleep

Thursday night: 3 1/2 hours of sleep

Friday night 5 hours of sleep

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Skin: Dry, Break-outs

Eyes: Blood-shot

Stomach: Growling

State-of-mind: Worn-out, Frustrated, Worried, Aloof, Unaware, Euphoric, Down in the pits, Blank




All this for my Studio project. My LAST Studio project in Taylors.


Stay tuned.

Some sign please.

I don't know how to describe my situation right now. It feels a little bit like a train wreck. A self-induced train wreck. Things which I wanted to prevent, happened. Things which I should have seen coming fell into my blind spot. It's like i'm watching myself being run over by a moving vehicle doing 140kmph on the LDP. Sure, I know I could have prevented it but I just keep letting it happen again and again. And what's worse is how it all happens in slow motion.

It's time I re-evaluate things. And try to get back on the right track. I sure could use a guiding hand and some form of boost that I've been seeking for a couple of weeks now ever since I came into the realization that I'm plunging deeper into an unending abyss of utter uselessness. A disappointment to all. A liability. A redundancy.

Am I missing out here? Was there a memo or some kind of how-to-live-a-better-life periodical/handout that I didn't get? Or did I just made a wrong turn and am now on my way to a very long detour? Because now I'm needing that memo and I'm looking for a large green sign to find my way back.


Stay tuned if you want.

Self Doubt

I've been back in PJ and classes have definitely resumed and we're all pretty much jumping straight into the work which already has been handed out. It's quite unnerving for me since it's the last semester here and I'm still constantly trying to deal with the doubts I have about my self and my abilities.

I'm actually very excited about this semester and the projects which i'm about to undertake but at the same time, it's quite a stretch for me when I am questioning my own quality of work. I haven't had much success in my studio projects especially last semester's. And there is little evidence that I'm doing to great job at all.

All I can really do it to just strive on and push forward in my work. And not get caught up in the past things that I've done. But once I'm done with my Diploma, I need a serious evaluation of my strenghts and weaknesses. I need a SWOT analysis.


Stay tuned for more.

You Drive me Crazy

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My assignments are driving me up the wall.
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Literally.

It's already been two straight weeks of non-stop working. I've been going to college every single day in those two weeks and I have to continue doing so until the thing is done and over with. It's taking a toll on nearly everyone. I was very productive initially but I'm beginning to feel sluggish and I can't even imagine how the people who are fasting manage to get through the day and do their work arduously. I find myself slacking off in the past two days. I just feel... Tired.

I need some energy boost. I wonder if any of those energy drinks help. Any suggestions?

I've got to get over this because everything has to be completed in due time and the whole show's going down this Thursday.


Stay tuned for more.

3 days

I miss the beach.
I miss the pool.
I miss the old part of Georgetown.
I miss the hawker food.
I miss my bicycle.
I miss my family.
I miss my wardrobe...errr.....bed.

I miss home. I haven't gone home in like 4 months. I did drop by during one weekend but even then it was for only 3 days which is too short a time. I've already set a date for me to head back up north after weeks of indecisiveness and postponing it. It's gonna be this Sunday, so I have another 3 days left here in KL to have a last gathering thing and then pack up and go.

We are supposed to attend college next Thursday but I've already been kept away from home for way too long and besides, I think the lecturer is pretty okay with me not going coz' it is a little last minute. And my friends are going to be there anyway, they'll keep me updated.


Stay tuned for more.

Reality series

So, I'm officially finished with classes and I'm now on study leave which should really be called 'that period of time used to work on the final Studio challenge.' It's really a make-it-work moment and the entire semester boils down to this.

But I have to say this semester has put me in this different sort of mood. I don't think that I display it in front of my peers, but I undoubtedly feel it in me. Now, I don't know how to put into words the way I'm feeling, but i'll use a metaphor. I feel like I'm participating in a TV reality series. I'm far away from my family and I haven't seen them much over 4 months. I'm having to deal with friends, seeing them almost every other day and giving each other support while trying to complete our own given tasks.

I know what other people go through are far worse than what I'm experiencing. I'm not whining or complaining about it. It's just that I really hope all of this helps me to grow as a better person mentally, physically and academically. And if everything doesn't turn out the way I want it to be, I just want to be able move forward and not delve into every single detail of my shortcomings.


Stay tuned for more.

Still

I think I need some sort of a boost. I KNOW I need some sort of a boost. An emotional booster to make me lighten up. It's just that the chronology of events lately has sunked its teeth and punctured a hole in my spirits. Sometimes I feel like I've lost all hope in life. I don't know if other people go through the same bouts of highs and lows like me. I can just sit around alone just doing nothing except breathing as if time is all I have.

I need something to jerk me out of this delirium-like state. Maybe then I'll have the actual drive I need to progress forward in the things I ought to be pouring my attention into.

You know what I think? I feel as though I'm looking at myself from a third-point of view. It's like I'm taking a step back and looking at the whole picture of my life. The things I've done. The things I'm doing and the things I want to do. It's one of those evaluation periods which I say "Hey, wait a minute...is this how it should go?" "Is this what I want?"

I think by the time this week is up, I'll begin to feel better. I've got a couple of tough days ahead of me.


Stay tuned for more.

Eye See

-Look

How do you know when you've got...'the eye'. That Eye which reads the language of design. The eye which sheds tears of creativity. Skills, taste, style and having a great eye for things are not things which come naturally to me and I'm not sure whether it can be acquired. And that's why I'm in this limbo. I need something to strengthen my hopes and force me to look past the haze.

I've come to question my abilities. I'm not sure if I've got what it takes to do what I'm doing. I'm not certain if I've got the flare that one should have to succeed in design. It's something which is just so subjective and baseless.


Stay tuned...

New Year Blues.

Most Chinese New Year celebrations would go something along the lines of ang paus, new clothes, happiness, feel-good times, gorging oneself with copious amounts of alcohol and great food and then post-CNY bitching about weight gain. But I don't feel like going over every single detail of my Chinese New Year celebration. Yes, there's the great food and ang paus (although steadily declining) and all the other things which make the new year such a cliche.

But I think as I get older, Chinese New Year is just not as fun any more. A recent conversation with Damien made me realize that I'm not the only one feeling bored during the festivities. Don't get me wrong, I love Chinese New Year, at least the concept and tradition of it. But when the day finally arrives, I find myself hating everything from the weather, the damn traffic, the hiked up prices of goods and the all-round chaotic atmosphere.

I think what I really like most about Chinese New Year ironically, is the time before Chinese New Year. That time when I start to get into the CNY mood, when I start to go shopping, when I start the preparations and cleaning and planning for the big day.

This is not a typical Chinese New Year post, and if you think I'm getting you down by being a little blase, please go on and surf over to a few other blogs which elaborate to you how great their celebrations were and how they all say "OMG, I'm going to gain weight from all the food!"

I hate to be a kill joy.


Stay tuned for better times.

Two Hundredth

I dream of lazy days. Where I can wonder the streets or trek along the forests and there would be nobody but me. Where I can walk alone and there is no one else to please but me. Somewhere where I don't judge and get judge. Somewhere where I can be myself. Somewhere where I can dream. A place where fantasy and reality merge.

I dream to be in a place where the weather is cool and the air crisp. Where rays from the sun peek through the cloud filled sky. A place with dew stained plants and a light layer of mist hover ever so delicately above the soil. Where a light spritz of rain fall gracefully against my skin.

I want to be alone. In a nook or cranny. A place to dream again.


Stay tuned for more.

It Doesn't Take Much.

It doesn't take much.

Sure you're busy. But are you always THAT occupied?

It's one of those things where all it takes is a little effort. It's not a one way street. Reach out and get embraced. Call and get called. Give and receive.

It's quite simple. One phone call. One "Hello, how're you doing?". Even a text for all I bloody care. Like I said. Reach out and get embraced. It's a two way thing.

Some effort is all I ask.

Without the effort, it's as good as dead.

It doesn't take much.
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Really, it doesn't.


Stay tuned for more...

Mute

Sometimes I find it difficult to talk in public. Especially when i'm infront of adults or people alot younger than me. I blame it on the age gap and differing interests but i'm pretty sure that is only a minor issue. I think it's because i'm a bit of an introvert. But i'm not that an introvert to the extent that I spend time with only myself in a corner, in the dark, staring at the wall and chanting while slowly rocking back and forth and cringing at the sight of sunlight and crowds (Okay fine, i'm abit irked when i'm in crowded places). Sure I do go out alone sometimes as a sort of 'me' time, but I definitely prefer to hang out with friends.

Yeah, back to conversations. I think if someone were to observe carefully everytime I meet someone new I tend not to talk very much. Maybe it's because I find the situation new and foreign. But once i've gotten accustomed to the person and warm up, so to speak, i'll be less mute and more out-spoken. The cursing and swearing comes a bit later :)

But I want to be more of an extrovert. I know i'm are born the way I am and all that but then, I can try to cultivate my personality. Change is possible as long as I want it bad enough to happen. Like for instance, I used to hate making presentations and speeches in class but I think i've gotten a bit more comfortable with myself that I can stand in front of my classmates and just talk. Unfortunately my hands still shake a bit everytime I do that...and my heartrate increases too.

I hope I can overcome these problems by being myself because I really don't think i've achieved that level of being comfortable in my own skin. And at the same time, I don't want to become THAT person who so overtly expresses himself that he becomes annoying or come-off as thick-skinned. Cheers to that!


Stay tuned for more.

The truth hurts.

It's not like I didn't see it coming,
it was as though I saw it in slow motion.
The bitterness slowly boiling over.
Washing us over with animosity.

It's not like I didn't see it coming,
We instigated things and we let it unfold.
Leaving with each other untreated wounds.
Pained even more when the truth be known.

It's true, the truth hurts.

In those shadows of hurt, we show our true selves.
We apologise and we forgive.
We learn our lesson and move on.
Hard it maybe, we try to forget.

When all is said and done,
hopefully we grow stronger and closer.
We've dealt with it and that's a start.
Deep inside we're still friends at heart.
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Here's to us, we've made it this far.

Licking my wounds

The day started off pretty badly today. Jon was UBER-ly late during this critical time in our crit and presentation session. Kairi remained cool as a cucumber while Kar Weng and I were about to tear Jon's brains out until he appeared practically 40 minutes late. But when he finally did show up, we brushed aside our emotions and our feelings dissipated. We fixed the costume on him and were whisked off to the 'runway.'

It poured heavily this morning which further drenched my already soaked mood. It wasn't anyone's fault, not the team and not even because of Jon's tardyness. I guess I felt I could have contributed or rather, worked harder for this project. But what really counts is that we worked as a group and we gave it our best shot.

To make matters worse, things didn't go very well for the presentation session either. When it comes to superheroes, the colision between what's reality and what's fiction can be so great that it sometimes leaves the audience with a question mark stuck in their expression. Only a few groups managed to survive when the axe fell and I must admit that they did a terrific job.

Our lecturers kept throwing questions at us which we could not justify and worst of all, they pitched teams against each other. But apparently this is what is to be expected. So I guess our group must just lick our wounds and look forward the way we do assignment after assignment. I musn't hang on to my past mistakes as they've been commited and they are there for a reason: for me to learn. The same thing applies to not clinging on to my past successes.



I think I ate beef the other day. I was out at Marche, The Curve to celebrate the birthday of my aunt (the uncle whom house I am staying in's sister-in-law). It was a good place to go. A great variety of food. I had a salad, grilled salmon and lemonade. I was also offered 2 slices of pizza. When I was going through the second slice I came to notice a piece of pepperoni poking out. I didn't ask if it was beef coz' I didn't wanna waste food, so I just ate it up :)

Stay tuned for more.

More to life?

'There's gotta be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me.'

That Stacie Orrico has a ring to it. And it makes sense too. The song popped up in my iTunes and while listening to it, I was left in a general wonderment of some things in life. A pondering if you will, even more so now that i'm being exposed to the working world.

Is there really more to life?

Is there more than working at a dead-end, nine-to-five job in a town or place you're been staying at for your entire life? Is there more to life than exercizing the routine you've been repeating for only-god-knows how long? Is there more out there?

Questions like these don't answer themselves. Most of the people around me have plans...LIFE PLANS. A plan that they will work hard to stick to and achieve whatever goal it may be. I only stare and envy them 'coz to be frank, I don't have a PLAN. Hell, I don't even have a PLA...

So seriously, is my life merely a waste? Does my existance mean nothing to the world? Am I just here to reduce the resources of the world? I feel like I wanna be a part of something. Something that I can hopefully be proud of. It doesn't have to be something big but enough to make a mark in the world. It doesn't have to be a big dent...maybe a scratch will do. Or am I doomed to live a life so mundane that I become diagnosed with severe boredom. Does everyone get their 15 seconds of fame? More than that perhaps? If one does, then when will it come? How will you know when it's your moment in life? That moment in which you actually count for something in this world.

So far so bad

I was trying to post something yesterday and the internet connection was pretty f*cked up. So much for me lugging my laptop all the way from the hostel for nothing. I guess the internet connection is less bitchy when there are less people using it which usually occurs between 7pm-9pm just before they close.

The library private rooms are mostly emptied out by now except for the one i'm in and for a few others who are obviously rushing for their projects. I too should be rushing for mine but i've been slacking in the past week. Countless hours spent staring the the ceiling of my bedroom or just listening to the grumble of the thunder from the slightly crazy weather.

I've also discovered that PJ, and that might include KL, has eccentric weather. Stormy clouds gathering out of the blue and casting lightning down one after another. It's really crazy ass weather if you ask me. And that crazy ass weather just happened earlier in the day.

I've been wringed out of late due to the onset of assignments and the much anticipated final exams. And when all that crap has passed, i'll be having my semester holidays for slightly over two months! I'm so psyched. A part of me is already trying to get into the holiday mood (which would explain my complete waste of time staring blankly at the bloody ceiling) which is the cause of my slacking. I really need to buckle up and do the last 100 meter sprint for the next 3 weeks as my mother would say. It's the home stretch and it's now or never.

My stressed out state is also contributed by classes itself. I have to face the god-forsaken group i'm in for Interior Behavioral Studies, i've got to do ample research for a very important essay for Design Theory, AutoCAD calls for computer aided plans I have yet to tweak and complete. and I had to participate in a debate for my Architectural History class as it was an assignment. So I hope you can fathom why i'm on the brink of doing a shot of arsenic for breakfast everyday.

I really hope things turn up for the better in the coming days. At least it's good to know i've friends who are there to catch me when I fall...are there?

Going through the motions

Let the video speak for itself.

Just a feeling

I'm back in Petaling Jaya now. Classes have resumed and once again, the lecturers are handing out assignments and exercises like there's no tomorrow. Everything is now speeding up as there are no more holidays in the near future and I anticipate things are to get more and more hectic as the weeks pass by. However, currently i'm still stuck in the festive mood, unable to move forward with the current as others are already doing. It's difficult to get myself up to speed with the things around me again. My year end holidays ended in December and just a month into the new semester, there was a week off for Chinese New Year which makes adapting to the classes a little bit more tough. Maybe it's just me missing my family, home, friends back in Penang, food and the whole package which goes with the Chinese New Year festivities.

I mean, it's only like the 5th day of CNY and i'm already away from home. I reckon this is probably the first time i'm not in Penang for the whole 15 days of the new year. How am I supposed to 'loh yee sang' on the 7th day? With whom am I supposed to play mahjong with? Where am I supposed to get pengat and eat it on the 15th? I don't know, maybe i'm just missing home. The holidays sure went by fast. One moment i'm packing up to leave for Penang and the next i'm back here in PJ. I guess i'm feeling a tad depressed of late. As if being away from my loved ones back home isn't bad enough, thinking of how busy and tiring assignments are going to be is even worse. I hope I recover from this doldrum and fast.

By the time Mei Zhi and Sandra reads this entry, i bet they'll be in Australia. It's sad I didn't manage to catch them last week in Penang. Everyone of us were so busy with the festivities. To Mei Zhi and Sandra: I wish you the absolute best in Australia. I hope we will meet up when you guys return.